I have finally met a man who I was able to share my most painful secrets with; I finally spoke about the love of my life: Allan and the way he was taken from me. Mitch is able to accept me for who I am, neither for my looks nor my body. Back in hotel Flamingo I was someone who was living through the desire to be wanted, to be loved again like the way I was with Allan…I didn’t find what I was looking for. Instead I became someone dirty, filthy, someone who is repulsive to look at, the lights are too bright. Mitch, oh Mitch. I feel safe in his arms. He is someone who can protect me, I need that. Although I must admit I feel no deep feelings of passion with him I’ve realised that I have a connection with Mitch which I may not share with any other man. He is thoughtful, caring and strong. There is no real love but what I need now is comfort- God has given me this chance.
I don’t know what is wrong with me, I think I want to be with Mitch but when he tries to get closer to me, I pull away. The last time I was intimate with someone was during my time at hotel Flamingo. The memories of that place are frightening. I don’t want to go back there. I don’t want to be that person again. I don’t need to go there to be loved; I have Mitch now to be that person. Love? No, I certainly know what love is, that feeling of living in the moment, for that one person who you belong to entirely- that was Allan. Mitch has a different feeling; he is more of a protector than a real lover. I can’t deny that his physicality is attractive but that is all. He isn’t the intelligent type, I feel like we sometime misunderstand each other. I never had that problem with Allan, he had a way with words. He was able to put me under a spell with the poems he wrote me. If I got a love letter from Mitch what would it be like? Tenderness and caring, yes certainly. But words that will make my heart race, I doubt it. So what does this mean? I don’t believe that I’m using Mitch. I just feel so lonely and scared that opening myself up to him might not be a good idea. But I can’t stay here forever, Stella has chosen Stanley over me, my own sister has betrayed me. I guess you lose all rationality when you’re in love; I use to know that feeling. Mitch is the only person I can really hold onto, someone who will look after me. Although our evening wasn’t the most eventful, at least I wasn’t alone. If that streetcar named Desire is still grinding along the tracks than there is still hope. Hope that I will feel desire once again.